This is the most ancient most sacred text of all the other instructive texts in the whole world. If you are young, naive, reckless, a virgin and/or looking for a distraction from your repetitive exhausting life and wish to get to third base at the ripe age of 18, this is an instruction manual tailored just for you and your delicate needs. Just follow these easy simple steps:
Step 1 – choose a partner
Alas, the road starts off rough and you must select a mate right off the bat. Do not be afraid, the world is full and your dating pool ripe as a mango… for now. And so this might be the only chance of your life to get lei’d. This is all a matter of preference though and you can get with anyone you like (with their consent and no, passed out is not a yes). Also, if you are truly desperate for a bit of under-the-covers-infiltration, you may also get with the nearest living breathing willing person nearby. Your call.
Step 2 – try to flirt?
Get both of you in the mood. Get to know them and their
kinks likes so you can spice it up a bit for steps 3 and 4. Also, get a drink with this selected mate. Get buzzed. With your sub zero confidence, you’re gonna need that extra push that extra oomph if you know what I mean.
Step 3 – plan it? make a deal?
Are you guys like exclusive fuckin? Is this a one time thing or are you going to be fuck buddies for life? You don’t really have to talk about it now though – where’s the fun in that? So just hop on that jeepney all the way to Stellar (or wherever suits your needs, Sogo, Queensland, his/her house, your house, whatever)
step 4 – make magic.. don’t try too hard tho?
Firsts are always the worst. Don’t worry. Don’t think too hard about it, especially when your head keeps getting rammed into the headboard or when his/her (or your) foliage is an untouched rain forest, don’t think about it. In the words of the mighty Shia Labeouf, JUST DO IT. Try and enjoy yourself even when it hurts. Literally.
Congratulations on getting to third base, you lucky young cougar cub! Now take these steps and wash, dry, and repeat. Go forth and conquer!
Disclaimer: These steps are not foolproof and results may vary and end badly.
Also, don’t take advice from a virgin.